before and after

the visit

been over a week 
I haven’t heard from her … 
not normal 
she was moved to prison - from jail 

Connecting is difficult 
For the incarcerated 

text - email - facetime 
Costly - in for profit prisons 
familes suffer when a loved one 
is locked up 

she borrowed her bunkies tablet 
as she only arrived tuesday 
waiting to be placed 
whatever that means 

for months she’s in lockdown 
23 hours a day 
45 mins of sun 
but she must shower then too 

i feel like I’m in a movie 
someone elses kid 
someone elses life 
i answer the phone 

press 5 to accept
I accept 
my kid 
reaching out 

scared but wont say so 
always masking feelings - 
since forever 
Never saying what she needs

As a child she would see cookies 
On the table - stare and say 
“Boy those look good” 
Never - can I have one 

She still does that 
Like she has no needs 
Can’t ever ask for anything 
Heartbreaking 

I’m going to visit her soon 
I have tried to prepare myself
I know it will be difficult 
But I must 

As she asked me to 
A first for her at 28 years old 
I can do hard things 
And so can she 

My little beautiful blonde baby 
I signed my name 
To her soul 
When she arrived 

Come what may 
I’m ur mom 
I will walk beside u 
Help and guide u 

She’s not fighting it anymore 
This relationship we have 
Her sobriety helps so much 
Gives me hope 

and hope dies slowly 
For families of addicts 
The chaos - the lies 
The roller coaster never ends 

I told her I may cry when I see her 
There in prison clothes 
“Why mom - it’s not bad in here -
I have friends now” 

Hard to hear - but good to know 
She’s somehow not suffering 
Making the best of it 
Getting thru 

She calls daily 
We have gotten closer 
Thru these tense times 
And I’m grateful for that 

That she’s alive 
Looking forward to her release
Planning her post prison journey 
Drug free 

Getting back with her children 
Making amends 
Dreaming of peace 
For the first time 

As am I 

——————————————————

I arrive early 
It’s very hot 
I’m wearing shorts 
Waiting for her 

In what looks like
A children’s nursery room 
Disney murals on cement walls 
Vending machines 

Table 8 - I’m told to sit 
In one of the red chairs 
Beige is for the inmate 
The guard explained the rules 

A hug hello and goodbye only 
No money exchanged 
Hands above the table 
No loud voices 

The visit is 4 hours long 
There r old games to play 
For kids n adults 
Other families walk in 

We all wait 
Chelsea comes in first 
My heart skips a beat
She looks good 

Healthy calm 
Rested blue eyes 
Clear skin 
In her green uniform 

We embrace 
She smells familiar 
holds on tight 
I stare into her eyes 

Shy smiles all around 
We have been thru so much 
We sit - other young women enter
A 4 yr old yells “mama” 

Running into the open arms 
Of a woman in green 
Who she looks exactly like 
She’s been here before 

I watch the toddler 
Navigate the candy machine 
Reaching into her bag of quarters 
Grabbing her goodies 

Chelsea has 4 children 
3 girls and a boy 
They have not visited 
Which pains her I know 

I try to stay present 
As the sky outside blackens 
Looking ominous 
I realize I’m sweating 

I go splash cold water 
On my face 
As tears drop from my eyes 
I try to shake the sadness 

It’s hard enough for her ...
She turns 29 this summer 
And all I see when I look at her 
Is a blonde baby in diapers 

The guard announces
We must leave as a tornado 
Has touched down nearby 
The visit is cut short 

Chelsea slumps in her chair 
Crestfallen - we r rushed out 
A quick hug 
And im back in the car 

It storms all the way to the hotel 
As I try to process 
All that’s happened 
It was a big day for both of us 

I conk right out 
I sleep for hours
Proud of us both 

Unconditional love 
Simply the only way 
Thru motherhood 
Love and forgiveness a must 

Even when it seems impossible 
Especially then 
We live - we learn - we grow 
Even at 64