my cousins up north

paula and maggie

clay and I took the train 
which is lovely 
the enterprise takes 2 hours 
Dublin to Belfast 

my cousins were talking about my first visit
in 1973 after my mom died 
laughing about how crazy it was 
to take 5 grieving children 

fresh from the family funeral 
right into a war zone 
my dad dazed and confused 
just trying to survive it all 

thought a holiday in his homeland 
would soothe r broken hearts 
we landed in Shannon airport 
there were bales of hay on the runway 

I knew we had entered another world 
on r way to the bed and breakfast
we passed cows and sheep 
in the misty sprinkling rain 

it was summer but it was not hot 
we were used to Long Island 
didnt stop my cousins from swimming 
as we sat in the car shivering 

wearing mittens 
layers and layers of wool 
hoping for a glass of milk 
or maybe Macdonalds

waiting for it to be over 
which is what I felt every day after she died 
I would wake and it would be done 
pain over - mommy returned 

healthy - funny - not sick - not sad 
she would never leave us again 
that was my constant dream
until I stopped myself from thinking

about her at all 
I tried to block it 
to delete to erase 
bullying the grief away 

after she died 
the word mom was never used in r home 
like it had been banished 
we r now and would always be 

forever motherless 
when I became a mother 
I ached for her once more 
wanting her to teach me 

how to do it - 
5 kids - not a lot of money 
and terminally ill at 39 
life is unfair 

last week I spoke about her in my show 
no jokes 
just the day she died 
told in detail 

the crowd was silent 
paying attention 
some peoples eyes filled up 
I had to look away 

but I kept going 
and it felt good - like a relief really
to get it out 
to have her present 

in my life once again 
she would be in her 90s now 
had she lived 
I see her on the streets of dublin 

in the tesco 
at the coffee shop 
imagine its her 
and pretend it never happened 

my other life 
probably not a celebrity 
but a mom on Long Island 
living near Jackie and Jeanne 

doing crafts - hanging with family 
a beautifully normal existence 
which is underrated in my opinion 
especially when its no longer an option 

u don’t know what u got til its gone 
said joni mitchell - siren of my soul 
her music is blasting now 
moving me - as always 

to mothers and melodies
people and poems 
children and charity 
peace out people 

only love