clay and heather

a tough evening

I bought clay a graphic novel 
her favorite type of book
written for young teens 
wonderful reviews 

they were not excited 
in fact they cried 
when I told them 
reading was required this summer 

my incorrect thought was 
with twelve weeks off 
a few books - full of mostly pictures 
wouldn't be too daunting 

her sobbing said otherwise 
and then she let it all out 
things that happened in school today
comments someone said years ago 

remembered verbatim 
complete with the raw emotions 
felt at the time of the offense 
such a sensitive soul 

"who says that?" they asked 
gasping for air 
"to a CHILD !!! "
as the tears flowed 

clay doesn't have many of these 
emotional outbursts 
autistic tantrums - meltdowns 
while home 

but school is another story
I listened - my heart breaking 
as they yelled 
"I HATE MY STUPID BRAIN"

it lasted an hour maybe longer 
I didn't look at the clock 
I kept my eyes focused on theirs 
nodding saying "I understand honey" 

she spoke so lovingly of heather 
r nanny in la for 4 years 
she moved here with us 
to help clay transition to ireland -
to life without her 

"I have never felt so loved
so seen - she was my muse" cried clay
chin trembling - overwhelmed 
finally releasing the painful loss 

after heather went back home 
I missed her a lot 
and told clay that 
who at the time had no reply 

emotionless was my observation 
as I wallowed of the loss 
of this daughter woman 
who helped me raise clay

heather recently had a baby girl 
we will go see them this summer 
I suggested we FaceTime her 
after the storm of emotions had passed 

and we did 
they spoke for an hour 
the kind of connection 
I wish for all children 

a caring adult 
who accepts them as they r 
who loves fully calmly 
who changes their world 

clay was calm after the talk 
showed me some new drawings 
skipped upstairs - 
with their beloved I pad 

as a young child 
she made the same birthday wish every year 
eyes squeezed tightly 
trying with all their might

when clay was 7 
they told me the wish 
so sad that it never came true 

"I want to be sucked into my I pad
to live there in that world"

I was stunned 
"well honey then u would never see me" 
was what I said - embarrassed to admit it 
 - thinking only of myself  

"no mom I would still pop out to see u 
but I would live in there" 
truly they have been obsessed with the I pad 
from the very beginning 

I read a lot about autism 
the connection so many kids 
have to the digital world 
objects are preferred to humans 

humans are complicated 
rules emotions friendship 
all of it exhausts clay 
they need a wind down daily after school 

solitude in the dark bedroom 
they start to run after a few minutes 
the thumping above me 
as they zip down the hallway 

then perhaps some singing 
I love when that happens
I turn the tv on mute 
close my eyes and listen 

to this child I adore 
whose struggles are real 
who taught me patience 
of which I was in need of 

as u make ur way thru this world 
as part of a family 
living with autism 
u must trust ur gut 

each human is unique 
autism is a mystery 
there is no guide book 
to connect is the only goal 

I am so thankful 
to all the humans 
who have connected 
with clay 

u know who u r 
u live in my heart 
and to heather 
I adore u 

and I could not have done it 
without u 
enjoy ur baby girl - give nick a kiss 
we will see u this summer